We’re back and thank you for being patient when I took last week off of in-depth writing. In the latest losses and transitions, I didn’t have the spoons or the bandwidth to write more extensively, to be honest. But things are starting to even out for the time being and I wanted to revisit something we’ve touched on FSW because I see conversations about it online: people-pleasing.
For those who prefer the audio version of this post, click the play button below.
A Little Back Story
I was at an appointment on Saturday and processing some of what’s been happening with my allergy specialist, who is a part of my healing journey, as we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months. Honestly, it feels so good when you have someone in your corner, and we were talking about a scenario that’s coming up and how to get through and work with it as best as possible.
With an extensive history of people-pleasing, I’ve only written a couple of pieces that mentioned it and you can read those posts here and here. And while I know it’s my knee-jerk reaction to be a doormat, I’ll tell you: I’m just f-g over it. Are you?
Since Saturday, I’ve reflected on this matter, and here’s a pro tip if you fall into the people-pleasing lifestyle: stopping it or avoiding it is like working out or moving your body. It takes time, practice, focus, intention, and reward. Now, we won’t break all of these down individually, so let’s group them.
Reducing Your People-Pleasing with Time and Practice
I like to think that when our patterns and conditioning take years or generations to form, it may take years and a lot of healing work to switch off. Or maybe something happens and you just say enough and that’s that. Your journey with people-pleasing will look different than mine and that’s absolutely acceptable. Don’t judge or compare your timing and your pace with others’ experiences if you can help it. Finally, as you witness every time you’re about to fall into the trap of people-pleasing, show yourself grace and love and you work through the pattern, conversation, and situation.
Focusing on Your Intention in Conversations and Experiences
This is legit: your focus and intention in your experiences matter. Sometimes we have the luxury of knowing how we’ll respond in situations – be they work or personally – and other times we don’t. I think what’s helped me in expected and unexpected scenarios is remembering who I am on the daily. And when I didn’t know who I was very clearly, I intended and committed to learning about my very essence. It’s this essence that no one can take away from you or diminish.
Now, I understand that not all spaces are safe, psychologically or otherwise; don’t go putting yourself in danger or if it feels toxic, it’s up to you to determine how to get through that in one piece. Yet, in time, as you recognize what you want out of life and what’s important to you, what you care about, and your long game, see, feel, and know this truth… You are worthy of a beautiful life. You deserve to be in your power, moment to moment. And you are no doormat. This can be your mantra or use your own words that sing to your soul.
Rewarding Yourself When You’re a Baddy and Don’t Live in That Pattern
To wrap this post up, let’s talk about celebrations because they’re so important! When you are in the moment, and you don’t people-please in your way, you need to reward yourself, fellow wise women! It may not seem like a big deal, but when we rip off patterns and conditions meant to keep us caged, that matters!
When I handle a situation in the upcoming weeks, you bet I’ll find a way to celebrate whether I speak up or just don’t diminish my light and I encourage you to do the same. What would feel deeply comforting to you as a reward? Something healing? Something radical and “loud?” A chat with your care team or group text saying, “I friggin’ did it! I didn’t back down and held my power!” You do you.
People-pleasing is not necessary in the world we want to create. Let me repeat: people-pleasing is not necessary in the world you and I want to create. If you’re here, you’re trying to live differently, you’re trying to not hustle as much, and you’re trying to live from who you are vs. what others think you should do.
I invite you to do some homework in the upcoming days: how do you people-please? How do you “lose yourself” for others’ comfort? Once you have some ideas, unpack and learn how to not do this and why it’s important to you… And if you need help unpacking that, you’ve got me.
An option for you is my newly hatched perfectionism course,* because I think perfectionism is like the first cousin to people-pleasing. They work hand-in-hand and the tool I use and share in that bite-sized course has helped me say, “Enough.” So, check that course out and see how you can move on and be who you are meant to be. And trust me, she’s already in there waiting to come out and help you lead your life…
PS) Want to get a discount on Making Peace with Perfectionism to Do Your Big Purpose™? When you check out, enter the code “morepeace” (no quotes, all lowercase, no spaces) and you’ll get $50 off!
That’s it for this week! Feeling inspired? If you’re looking for more tips, and want a more direct connection, join (for free) the FSW Circle and get The Weekly Wisdom in your Inbox. If you’re ready to ditch soul-sucking work and what doesn’t align with you and shift towards soul-full living and work-life balance…you need The Zone of Purpose™ Blueprint. And if you have any questions or comments, leave them below or contact me 1:1 this way. Chat with you soon and bright blessings on you!